When I was pregnant with my first, I read all about co-sleeping. It sounded wonderful. I pictured something serene —a blissful, Instagram-filtered scene where I glowed and the baby slept like an angel. The two of us curled up in perfect harmony.
Is that what it’s actually like? Hell no!
If you have never done it, imagine lying perfectly still for six hours with a bag of potatoes on your chest and one arm pinned underneath you. Then a random alarm goes off every 45 minutes. This is the reality of co-sleeping.
It has its beautiful bonding moments, don’t get me wrong, but it is mostly uncomfortable and involves very little sleep.
Well, not for you anyway. The baby might sleep, but you don’t.
The Myth of Sleep Sharing
Some people call it sleep sharing, which is an equally inaccurate description of what goes on.
It’s not really sharing if only one of the people involved is getting any sleep, is it?
The baby might conk out mid feed and get the rest they need. But you? You’re wide eyed and alert, muscles locked in place, heart hammering every time the baby twitches:
“Oh God. She’s waking up. No. False alarm. I’ll close my eyes. She moved again! Phew, just getting comfortable. I’ll close my eyes again”
And if the baby isn’t moving, they’re making noises. This is probably worse because you’re less likely to sleep through it. Every time they make any sort of sound your Mum brain kicks in. Was that a snuffle or a choke? Is he struggling to breath?
And do you know what’s even worse than the noises? Silence. Because if the baby is making a noise they must be breathing. If they are totally silent… You have to double check, and in doing so you disturb them, and then they start squiggling again.
Back to square one.
You Are a Human Mattress
When you have a newborn, especially if you a breast feeding, your body stops belonging to you. You are not just a parent, you are a mattress, a pillow, a climbing frame, a scratching post, a dummy, and a buffet that never closes.
The baby falls asleep on your chest, or lying next to you with your boob in their mouth, and you are trapped. Want to re-adjust to get comfortable? You can’t. Got an itchy nose you’re desperate to scratch? Tough. Need to breath? Ok you can breath, but slowly, and not too loud when you exhale.
No. You lie still. Like a mummy in a tomb. Because if you don’t the baby wakes up. And that is a million times worse.
You might be wondering, “Why don’t you just gently roll them further onto the mattress?” I’ll tell you why. Because they will know. Even in the deepest of sleeps, babies have a sixth sense for when you are trying to get rid of them. Even if you move them approximately 3 centimetres away they will notice. And they will not approve.
Hating Your Partner
There are two situations your partner will find themselves in if you try co-sleeping:
- In the bed, waking up as frequently as you and feeling the rage seethe from you that they have the audacity to also be in the bed.
- On the couch.
My fella chose the couch, and I don’t blame him. He slept down there for months. We had a spare room by the time baby number two came along, and he quietly moved out of our bedroom without me even having to ask.
Having your partner in the bed with you is best avoided if possible, because they will either:
- Be awake and in the way, taking up more of what little space you have. He will also be grumpy the next day because he didn’t sleep either.
- Be asleep. And you will hate him for it. He will still be in the way too. Basically he is always in the way.
If he ends up on the sofa or in a spare room, he will at least be better equipped to deal with the stress of the next day, and less likely to react badly to your foul mood.
He might feel a bit rejected, but screw him. At least he got some sleep last night.
The Mum Guilt
On top of everything else, you end up with Mum guilt too.
The health visitors don’t recommend co-sleeping and will make out like it’s tantamount to neglect. This is because they attribute around half of all SIDS cases to co-sleeping. But the stats show around 171 SIDS cases a year in England. Half of those would be 85.5, and there are around 565,000 babies born in England each year.
I’m not dismissing it, but the risks are very low, especially if you do it properly. By that I mean no heavy duvets, no loose sheets, nothing the baby can get trapped under. Co-sleeping can be dangerous if you don’t do it properly or you are a very heavy sleeper, but when they literally won’t sleep unless you are with them what else are you supposed to do?
If you are thinking about a next to me crib, I hear you, I had one, and it didn’t work. I went through a stage of putting my little darling into it 3 or 4 times a night hoping he would get used to it, but more often than not he screamed the moment his back touched the mattress. You would think I had laid him on actual lava.
So anyway, all of this piles on the Mum guilt. You find yourself awake at 3am thinking you shouldn’t be co-sleeping, it makes you a bad Mum. Why can’t you comfort your baby to sleep like other Mums, does your baby not feel secure? What if you have created a sleep dependency that never goes away? What if your partner hates you now?
What if? What if? What if?
It’s Just a Phase
Having been through it twice, I can assure you that this is just a phase.
Co-sleeping is usually born out of necessity. You do what you have to to survive, and if co-sleeping is the only way for your baby to get the sleep they need, then so be it. You’re certainly not doing it for your own benefit.
Plus, there are those quiet moments in the middle of the night when your little one does a big sigh and nuzzles in a bit closer, and you realise you are the centre of their entire universe. No one else will ever be this close with your child, not even their Dad. When the whole world is quiet and all you can hear is your tiny son or daughter’s breathing, co-sleeping feels like a gift.
Alright, you’ve got PTSD for life about rolling over and your eyes will never fully lose those dark circles, but you will remember those precious moments forever.
I know it feels like it will never end right now, but it will. You will eventually reclaim your duvet, and your sanity, and you will eventually sleep on sheets that are not stained in baby sick.
Until then though, let’s not pretend co-sleeping is a John Lewis commercial. It’s more like a long haul flight on a smelly aeroplane with another passenger occasionally wetting themselves and kicking you in the face.
Co-sleeping is hard. It’s not restful, and it’s not fun. When you look back on it though, you’ll smile. I know I do.