There’s something that always happens when my fella goes away for a few days: my children turn into complete demons.
It’s like clockwork. In the run up to him leaving they are normal, beautiful children, who enjoy playing together and sleep through the night. Then, the second my other half walks out of the door, they become feral.
It happened with my son, and it has happened with my daughter too.
My most recent experience of this was when he went on yet another stag do. He was gone Thursday night, Friday night, and Saturday night, and came back on Sunday afternoon. The week before he left the kids had been great. No wake ups, no dramas, all good.
He said goodbye on Thursday afternoon after the school pick up, then me and the kids had a relatively normal Thursday evening and I put them to bed at 7:30.
Three hours later: screaming. Three hours after that: screaming. Three hours after that: yet more screaming. My daughter woke up three times! She usually sleeps through. She wasn’t ill, she wasn’t teething, she didn’t need a nappy change – she just would not stop screaming.
My life was basically screaming and whinging for the next three days.
Then my other half came back. And – almost insultingly – the kids instantly went back to normal. My daughter slept through, my son stopped whinging. It’s enough to make a girl pack up and leave 🤪🫠
It had happened too many times to be a coincidence, so I did some digging, didn’t I? Now I know why it happens, and I can happily report that it has nothing to do with me.
So, if this sounds familiar to you, let me explain why your kids don’t hate you, and your partner doesn’t have some magic parenting skill that you are yet to learn.
It’s Not You, It’s Him
The problem is not you, it’s him. Or rather, it’s the fact that he has gone away.
Children are much more sensitive to small changes in their little worlds than they are capable of explaining to you, so a parent suddenly not being there can unsettle them. They might not even realise they feel this way, but they will know something is off, and it comes out in behavioural changes or interrupted sleep.
It’s not because they prefer one parent to the other, and it’s not because you aren’t doing enough to comfort them, it’s simply the way they deal with the change. They have to learn to get used to it.
Why Bedtime Takes A Hit
Bedtime is a type of separation anyway when you think about it. So it’s natural that what is essentially a kind of separation anxiety would get worse during this part of the day.
During the daytime, kids have a lot to be distracted by, like school or nursery, toys, the TV, snacks (oh my God the constant requests for snacks…), their friends, etc. At night, they are alone in their bed or cot, with only their thoughts for company.
So they wake up crying and don’t respond to medicine or nappy changes or feeds because none of those things are the issue. The missing parent is. For slightly older kids, it might be asking for water, or wetting the bed, or earlier wake ups.
Their brains are waking them up because things don’t feel normal and they need to check they are still safe.
The Behaviour Change
When adults feel mildly stressed they might pick their nails, overthink, or eat too many biscuits. Kids tend to do things differently.
They will whinge, be more clingy, have bigger reactions, be extra emotional – all the things that make a parent’s life more difficult. Which is exacerbated by the fact you are suddenly being woken up in the night again, too 😭😫
The rhythm of the house feels different, routines aren’t quite the same, and the kids feel that shift, then leak their feelings everywhere.
When the missing parent comes back, the child’s feelings quickly regulate, and they go back to normal. Which can feel – well, it feels personal, doesn’t it? But it’s not. Honest.
How To Cope
Kids have to go through these life lessons, so parent absences get easier as children get older. In the meantime, there are a few things you can do to limit the impact when one of you goes away:
- Keep Them Informed – Give them plenty of reminders before one of you leaves. Explain exactly what’s happening, and when they will be back. A visual aid is useful too, like a calendar. Something they can check in with.
- Simple Goodbyes – Don’t do big “I’m going to miss you so much” goodbyes. Kids borrow from the tone you set, so be calm. It’s no big deal right? “Love you guys, I’ll be back on Sunday, see you soon!”
- Routines – As far as possible, keep routines the same, and reframe anything that changes as ‘special’. Put a fun spin on it.
- Promise Presents – My other half would kill me for saying this, but if you promise a present on your return they will have something exciting to look forward to instead of a big Mummy or Daddy shaped hole in their lives.
A lot of what happens and what helps will depend on the age of your children of course – babies don’t understand presents, sadly – but these things have helped me.
Most of all though, remember that it’s a normal reaction, not a review of you as a Mum. Your children have noticed a small change in their world, that’s all. They don’t have the words to explain that to you, so it comes out in their behaviour and sleep instead.
They’ll be fine the second he’s back and his backpack hits the floor in the hall.
Just make sure you get your own back, and book a spa weekend with the girls soon!