I previously wrote about how hard it is to make friends as an adult, and why the 11-3-6 friendship rule explains it. Since then, I’ve been doing a bit more digging into the complex world of friendships, and I’ve discovered something else: the 2-2-2 rule.
This one isn’t about forming new relationships, it’s about keeping hold of the ones you have already got. It is more commonly used for relationships, but I think you could apply it to friendships as well.
Hear me out.
As you get older, keeping your friendships going is genuinely more difficult, especially with kids added into the mix. Plus, if you’re like me, your friends are all over the country. It’s hard enough to find time away from parenting to meet up and remind yourselves why you became friends in the first place, even when you all live in the same town. But when you’re spread out? That takes effort.
It’s easy for time to tick away without you realising how long it has been since you had any sort of meaningful contact with the people you once spoke to every day. The people who knew all of your secrets. All of your dreams. The people you considered to be closer to you than anyone else in the world.
Using the 2-2-2 rule is a good way to stop time running away from you, because it gives you a structure to work with. This is how couples use it to maintain their relationships, but with a light edit you could apply it to friends just as easily.
How the 2-2-2 Rule Works
Traditionally, the 2-2-2 rule as designed for couples works like this:
- A date night every 2 weeks
- An activity or weekend away every 2 months
- A longer holiday or trip every 2 years
A date night can be anything from a romantic meal to a night playing board games. Whatever you both enjoy. The bi-monthly activity doesn’t need to be an expensive weekend away, it could just be disappearing for a hike during the day while the kids are at school, or going to a spa. The trip every two years needs to be something significant though.
This way, you always have something to look forward to, and you give yourselves dedicated time together to just be yourselves. To be the couple you were before life took over.
Now, let’s apply that same structure and principle to friendships:
- A phone call or a night at the pub every 2 weeks
- A girls night away or meeting up to see a show every 2 months
- A big beach holiday or a countryside getaway every 2 years
You can swap out my suggestions for anything you and your friends can bond over, but you see my point. You keep checking in with each other, you maintain frequent contact without it being overwhelming, and most importantly, you continue to share experiences together.
In other words, you remain in each others lives and do enjoyable things together, rather than meeting up every six months and having so much to catch up on you end up drifting apart.
It Doesn’t Have to Be Exact
Although I keep calling this a ‘rule’ it doesn’t have to be exact. The intention matters more than precise timings.
To begin with, the important thing is establishing the routine. Once it’s established, if you miss a fortnightly phone call by a few days or only get a weekend away in every 3 months instead of 2, it’s not the end of the world. The important thing is that you are trying to organise these things. You aren’t just forgetting the other person exists on a daily basis.
You have to make it fit your life and budget too. I know that a big holiday might simply be unaffordable, but you can swap it out for something cheaper. For example, one of my friends lives five hours away. So we try to go and stay at theirs for a week in the summer holidays since we both have kids, and the next year, they come to us. It doesn’t cost much, but that ‘big getaway’ impact is the same.
You just need to do something regularly enough to keep the relationship alive. Whether that be with a partner or a friend.
I think good, solid friendships can suffer over time precisely because they are good, solid friendships. It’s easy to fall back on the idea that you are such good friends that it doesn’t matter how much time has passed. You can pick right up from where you left off and carry on. But I have started to realise that this bond won’t last forever if you don’t put in any effort at all.
I noticed distance growing between myself and some of my best friends, and it happened because we all stopped trying. Not because we didn’t want to, but because life got in the way. I spoke to them about it, and we tried the 2-2-2 friendship rule. Things are great again now. I really look forward to our group video calls every few weeks, and we have plans to go away next year.
I don’t use it with my fella, though, he doesn’t deserve that sort of attention 😂😇 I’m kidding, we’re fine, we don’t need it.
Anyway, I’ll leave it there. But if you end up trying the 2-2-2 rules yourself, let me know how it goes!