This post is going to be harder to write than most, because I have to be a bit vulnerable to write it properly.
If you have been reading my blog for a while, you might already know that me and my fella moved from London to the Manchester area, close to where he grew up.
But not close to where I grew up.
Most of my best friends live in my hometown or down south, and while I have been welcomed into my other half’s wonderful social circle, I still sometimes feel like I don’t have any friends of my own here.
There are plenty of people I see regularly who I get on with, and even meet up with socially from time to time, but these relationships are built on pretty light foundations – other school mums or a neighbour. They aren’t built on the shared experience of living together at uni, for example.
And it’s hard to find the time to commit to anything for long enough to really bed in with the other people there. I joined a choir for a bit, and it was great, but then it clashed with my son’s rugby sessions, so I had to step away. This is a perfect example of why making friends as an adult is so hard, especially as a mother.
It’s also a bit awkward if we’re being honest. It is, isn’t it – it’s not just me, right? Actively looking for friends feels cringy as a grown up. It was making me feel like a bit of a loser for even needing to think about it in the first place. It felt even worse when I didn’t seem to be making any new friends despite trying. Not proper friends, anyway.
And then I found out about the 11-3-6 rule, and it made me feel a whole lot better.
How The 11-3-6 Rule Works
If I had to explain the 11-3-6 rule in one sentence, it would be this: it suggests friendship is less about instant chemistry and more about showing up often enough for the awkwardness to wear off.
It comes from a study commissioned by Fisherman’s Friend – yes, the people who make those mints that used to come in tins but now come in thick paper packets. I know that makes this study sound flimsy, but it’s not. They worked with Robin Dunbar, a respected British anthropologist and evolutionary psychologist, so it’s credible. If you have ever heard of the Dunbar number – the idea that you can only maintain about 150 meaningful relationships – this is the guy that came up with it.
To break it down properly, the 11-3-6 rule suggests that you need:
- 11 interactions
- Lasting at least 3 hours each
- Over a period of 6 months
This is the minimum contact needed for someone to move from an acquaintance to a friend.
So adding that woman you met at the gym on Instagram and liking her posts isn’t going to cut it. Neither are a a few quick chats while you fill up your water bottles. The idea is that friendship builds through familiarity. You become comfortable enough with each other to let your guard down a bit, you see more sides to each other, you move from small talk to real talk.
Of course, this isn’t a rule. There isn’t a National Body of Friendship Accreditation that dishes out certificates once you pass the 11-3-6 milestone. It’s even possible to hit these numbers and still not really be friends. But as a general guide, it makes sense.
The Issue With Adult Friendships
Like I said at the start, I do have real friends, they are just spread out across the country, so I don’t see them often. But I also made those friends during a different time in my life when friendships were easier to build.
I made my home town friends at school. That’s like, the easiest time to make friends: “Oh you like pink? Me too! Let’s go play with that skipping rope together.” Twenty years later she’s your bridesmaid.
I made my uni friends at uni, funnily enough. We learned together, partied together, and lived in each other’s pockets for three years. You either make friends or you kill each other in that situation.
The issue with adult friendships, is that our lives are no longer set up to make them work. I’m not just Millie Smithy any more, I’m a mum, and a partner, with a full time job to do and a house to maintain. Even when I do have time to make social plans, there is always an illness, a work commitment, a last minute kids party, or something else unexpected getting in the way.
I am surrounded by people I would probably get along great with, but those friendships don’t get a chance to get off the ground. So it’s very slow going, even if I do hit it off with someone right away.
Still, knowing about the 11-3-6 rule has certainly made me feel better about myself. There is nothing wrong with having acquaintances, or friends that are more peripheral, but building a real solid friendship with someone new takes time. As a working adult with a young family, time isn’t something I have much of, so I can give myself a break.
It’s not me. It’s life.