Any parent of school age children will be able to relate to this: school parent WhatsApp groups.
The different types of people in them drive me crazy. I know I should just let it wash over me, roll my eyes and let it go, but sometimes I need to vent. Usually, my fella gets the mini rant, but he’s away on a stag do (I’ll make him pay for it when he gets back) so today, you’re getting it.
So here goes.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH THESE PEOPLE!?
That feels better. Sorry about the all caps.
Seriously though, why don’t some people understand how to use school WhatsApp groups? There should be mandatory training.
It’s supposed to be for school related business only. That means it should ping maybe once or twice a week, at most. But every day: ping, ping ping. People having long, drawn out conversations in a 30 strong WhatsApp group full of mostly strangers.
I know some of you are reading this and smirking because you know that you are one of these people. Well, just know that there are 25 other parents reading every message, not responding, but silently cursing you 😂
I’m only joking really. I know what it’s like when you don’t even know what day it is let alone if today is the day the kids are supposed to take in an empty margarine tub to make boats with. I did think it would make a funny little blog post though.
So here you are, all the different types of people you will meet in a school parent WhatsApp group.
The ‘Helpful’ One
At my kids’ school, they use an app to tell the parents about trips, homework, anything the kids need to bring in, etc. You even use it to pay for breakfast club and book tickets for school plays and parents evening slots and things. Every parent has this app. They don’t send paper letters, so the app is a must.
Someone on our group likes to share every effing message we get on that app in the group chat, “just in case anyone missed it”.
Except no one misses it, because the app also sends you an email with the exact same information. So now, every time my child needs to bring £1 for a raffle or whatever, I get a notification on my app – ping! – a notification via email – ping! – and I get Becki telling me again on WhatsApp – ping!
Thanks Becki, what would we do without you?
The Drama Addict
You know the drama addict. A person who is always in the middle of some self-inflicted saga, a minor issue purposefully escalated for maximum attention. They’re “not having it”, they’re “fuming”, they’re “going to the papers”.
🥱
I’ve changed the names but this is a real excerpt of one such drama from a group I am in:
“Anyone else sick of the Nazi’s at this school? It’s not right that my Bella isn’t allowed to wear bows in her hair. She loves doing her hair in the morning and it doesn’t do any harm. But Miss Gardener says it’s against school uniform. Well I’m going to be having words.”
Ok Tanya, you have words. But have them with Miss Gardener, not with us.
The Conversationalist
It doesn’t really matter who posts what, the Conversationalist will turn it into a 30 minute back and forth.
They just want a natter and they don’t really care what it’s about or who it is with.
For example, someone might ask if anyone has seen their child’s missing coat. The Conversationalist says no but they will check all their drawers. And it’s such a shame because it’s a lovely coat. Where did it come from? She was looking for something similar for her daughter. Oh it’s from Next? Does anyone know if they are having a sale any time soon? She will have a look on the voucher code websites. Which one does everyone else use? She usually starts with Wowcher but also uses…
And on and on it goes. Ping ping ping goes my phone.
The worst case scenario is when there are two Conversationalists in the same group, because they will talk to each other throughout the day in a public group. Ladies, you have each other’s numbers, talk in private!
I know I could just mute the group but then I will miss out on the gossip 😁
The Perfect Parent
They won’t directly brag about how great they are at Mumming, oh no, but given the opportunity, the Perfect Parent will make you feel borderline neglectful.
Someone shares a cute pic of their kids’ World Book Day costume? The Perfect Parent swoops in next, and their child looks like they have been dressed by a West End costume designer.
The Conversation Starter asks about school holiday plans? That’s all the permission the Perfect Parent needs to mention their 5*stay in Tuscany ‘because work has been going well recently and you can’t put a price on making memories’. At the same time, I’m Googling discount codes for Butlins and creating a list of things to do with kids when its raining.
They are dying to show everyone how great their lives are, but they need someone else to invite them to do it. And when they do, everyone else is left feeling inferior.
The Oversharer
You get different types of oversharers.
There’s a Mum in one of the groups I am in that shares images of her children’s poo when they’re ill! 💩🤮 Captioned. This sort of thing: “Billy’s off today. This is what his poo looked like this morning. Might be something going around just so you’re all aware”
I mean… what does she think is the benefit of that?
Then there are the oversharers who let you into their personal lives.
In the parent chat for my youngest, one of the Mums kept making digs at her little boy’s father. Someone would ask a question about half term homework or something like that, and she would find a way to crowbar in what her “useless ex” had or hadn’t done that week.
I’ve got my own useless partner hun, I don’t need to deal with yours, too 😂
Not really, my fella is a catch!
The Social Justice Warrior
This person exists everywhere.
They will use whatever platform they have to ask complete strangers to “Sign this petition!”, “Write to your MP!” or “Join us on Saturday from 6:am when we will be protesting against [insert this week’s performative cause] and create change!”. WhatsApp groups, social media accounts, posters in the work canteen… literally anywhere.
Yes, I know there are lots of important issues out there. But none of them are more important to me than my own children, and hijacking the parent WhatsApp group is not the right way to win people around.
It just makes us hate you.
The Last Minute Scrambler
Often also the last person through the school gates every morning.
The Last Minute Scrambler mostly uses the school parent WhatsApp Group to send panicked early morning messages about whether it is non-school uniform day, or if they still need their PE kit even though it’s the last day of term.
If they are a little more organised the message will come late in the evening before, begging someone to help them with costume ideas for the Halloween party because all the shops are closed and they only have a bin bag and some Sellotape.
They use a week’s allocation of exclamation marks in a single sentence and you get the impression there must be steam literally rising from their body as they crash from one last minute crisis to the next.
I quite like the Last Minute Scrambler to be honest, they make me feel like I’m bossing it.
The Ghost
They’re always online but never make a sound. They read every message but never reply. Their WhatsApp profile has no image, no status, no name, just +44 and a bunch of numbers.
Who are they? Do they even have kids in this school?
In a way these are a great addition because they don’t make my phone ping unnecessarily, but they also drive me nuts because I’m nosy and want to know who everyone is.
Don’t tell me you haven’t gone through the list of group members and looked at all their photos. Noticed it was taken on holiday. Checked out their husband in the picture 😇
The Ghost takes this simple pleasure away from you and leaves nothing but questions.